Valerie Bertinelli has loved and lost when it comes to her two marriages and fizzled romance with ex-boyfriend Mike Goodnough. The actress decided to share “mistakes” she’s made along the way and what she’s learned.
“I’ve been on both sides of this, and I think I finally have some perspective,” Valerie, 64, told followers in a Monday, February 17, Instagram post.
“When you feel hurt and wronged and know you deserve an apology but are being stonewalled by your partner because they’re feeling shame, maybe this can shift your thinking,” she explained.
Valerie posed the question to readers, “*How* are you bringing it up? Are you only pointing out what they’re doing wrong, being hypercritical, and expecting them to just fix it? That could be making things worse.”
“Change, real change, never happens through criticism, shame, or pressure. They most likely already feel all that. (I know when I f–k up, oof, do I feel shame),” the Hot in Cleveland alum revealed.
“If you stop focusing on what they did wrong and instead approach with empathy and understanding, everything can then start to shift. Instead of saying, ‘You always do this!’ Maybe try, ‘This is how I feel when this happens, can we figure this out together?’ That one small change can make a difference,” Valerie shared.
She reminded readers, “Then you’re on the same team. You’re not working *against* each other, you’re working *with* each other.”
“Looking for ways to show up for each other is a love language and it takes two to do it. Even when you feel wronged and think they should just know and do better,” the Finding It author shared. “I think we all just want to do better and feel awful when we’ve hurt someone we love, and shame prevents us from thinking clearly.”
Valerie concluded her reflection by joking about her own love life.
“Then again, what do I know. I have two failed marriages and fumbled the last true good man I met. Maybe don’t take advice from me,” she added.
Some fans thought the “good man” Valerie was referring to was ex-boyfriend Mike, 54. The pair split in November 2024 after 10 months of dating.
“Hoping and praying you and Mike get back together,” one person wrote in the comments, while another added, “That one good man might be willing to try again … just saying.”
Others encouraged Valerie to not give up on finding love in the future. “You know the saying, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime! It sounds like you had your reasons and your season, now it’s time to find your lifetime partner,” a follower told the star.
Valerie was previously married to musician Eddie Van Halen from 1981 to 2007. They welcomed a son, Wolfgang Van Halen, in 1991. Valerie was by Eddie’s bedside when he lost his battle with cancer on October 6, 2020, at the age of 65.
The Valerie’s Home Cooking author married for a second time, tying the knot with Tom Vitale on January 1, 2011. The duo divorced in 2022. “We became very unkind to one another, and that’s not a way to live in a marriage,” Valerie told People in April 2024.
The One Day at a Time alum reflected on her divorce from Tom, 61, in a lengthy post on November 22, 2024, which marked two years to the date since their divorce was finalized. Valerie even thanked Mike for helping her learn how to love again.
“I didn’t know how I was going to get through it, but I knew that somehow, I would. And I did! Today marks two years of freedom,” Valerie wrote. “Two years of walking through self-doubt and doing my best to get to the other side. Two years of knowing that I didn’t deserve to tolerate the intolerable. Two years of working through shame and self loathing.”
“Two years of working to find my true self,” she continued. “Two years of eventually dipping my toe in and feeling love again. (Thank you, Mike) Two years of confronting past demons and traumas and doing my best to work through them.”
Valerie addressed Mike directly, adding, “thank you for being such a big part of my growth this year. I’m so grateful I met you.” The pair dated long-distance starting in January 2024, as she lives in Los Angeles while Mike is East Coast-based.
“Valerie and I are the only two people with insight into our relationship. Neither of us pays much attention to chatter among people outside of it,” the writer cryptically told People about their split in November 2024.
