Content warning: This article mentions suicide. Please take care while reading.
Doechii is opening up about her struggle with bullying and the consequential suicidal thoughts she experienced as a pre-teen.
Last year was the year of Doechii. The rapper burst onto the scene to wide critical acclaim after a long period of hustling on SoundCloud, TikTok, and YouTube, culminating in an historic Best Rap Album Grammy win for her 2024 mixtape Alligator Bites Never Heal.
The Tampa, Florida native has been praised for her showmanship, versatility, and hard-hitting lyrics — some of which have broached topics like anxiety, depression, and addiction, like those in her biggest hit yet, “Denial is a River.”
Though she has talked briefly in the past about her struggle with bullying in middle school, and how that led to her finding her stage name (Doechii’s real name is Jaylah Ji’mya Hickmon), the Grammy winner is now shining a light on how she dealt with feeling suicidal at such a young age.
“I was getting bullied so bad that I was thinking about [committing suicide],” the 26-year-old told The Cut. Earlier interviews with The Face and Vulture mention her darker skin tone and her shyness being her bullies’ primary targets. “After I tried to [end my life] and it didn’t work, I realized what … life was really about,” she confessed in the former.
Now, she puts those teachings this way: “I realized, ‘Oh, I’m gonna [commit suicide] and then I’m gonna be the only one dead. The bullies aren’t gonna be with me, and everything they said is not coming with me either. I would just be gone’.”
For the rapper, reaching that breaking point showed her early on that we are meant to live with purpose. “I had to find a reason to live,” she told The Face, adding, “Now I know why I’m here, and I’ve never lost that.”
That purpose was music. By 16, she was releasing singles for free online and trying to grow a presence on social media via vlogs documenting her day-to-day and music covers. In one video titled “I got fired thank God,” she discusses going door to door to recording companies to ask for an internship.
Soon after, she got her first big break: her song “Yucky Blucky Fruitcake” went viral on TikTok in 2021, inspiring a makeover trend showing people’s evolutions since high school. It would be a year before she was finally signed to a record label.
The musician says she received the phrase “I Am Doechii” from God after her suicide attempt. She adopted the identity as a defense mechanism, a projection of the side of herself that was confident and creative — not an alter ego, but her “core.” “I made a choice, a decision. I am the most important character in this movie. This is my [mothereffing] movie,” Doechii added.
“Jaylah might’ve been getting bullied, but I decided Doechii wouldn’t stand for that. My whole attitude was different. It stuck,” she explained to Vulture. Making that decision filled her with “peace.”
Doechii has been determined to stay honest through her rise to fame, and this recent interview proves it. Her earnest dedication to her craft and her vulnerability, perhaps even more so than her sheer creativity and originality, have motivated people to root for her success. The rapper’s journey proves being intentional and focused is often life-saving.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. A list of international crisis resources can be found here.
