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You know what they say: Bigger kids, bigger problems. And it’s true. And some of these problems are terrifying — but that isn’t the only difference. Now, instead of being a terrified parent of a baby or young child who can turn to the support of other parents for answers, you’re the terrified parent of a teenager trying to figure out how to deal with it on your own.
When your kids are little, you can safely ask for advice in online parenting forums, on your social media, or just consult your mom friends … even if it’s embarrassing. After all, it’s not like your kid will know; they aren’t exactly out there cruising the internet, and even if they were, they can’t read. Toddler biting? First grader still wetting the bed? Hearing shared experiences and getting suggestions helps let you know that it’s not just your kid (or your parenting!), which is a relief.
But when you have teenagers, the problems are more profound. Maybe you’ve found a vape — nicotine or marijuana — in your kid’s room, or nudes on their phone. Maybe their angry outbursts are raging out of control, or their friend group has suddenly and viciously turned on them. And those aren’t issues you can share with just anybody. First of all, as digital natives adept at navigating the Internet, your kids (or worse, their friends … or worst, their enemies!) could easily stumble upon a personal question you’ve asked about them online somewhere. Or they could accidentally overhear you talking about it to someone, or read a text they weren’t meant to read. And unlike babies and toddlers, they’d know exactly what you were talking about.
They’re entitled to their privacy, which means you can’t really discuss these issues with anyone … not the way you could when they were little. But not talking about it means sitting with it in silence, wondering if it means there’s something wrong with them, or if there’s something wrong with you — is this issue a product of your subpar parenting? If you do confide in someone, will you be criticized or judged?
To top it off, your social media feeds are always full of other parents bragging on their teenagers: scholarships and championships, good deeds and good grades. Nobody’s Instagram post is a photo of their teen with a caption that reads, “My 15-year-old is failing three classes and just got a detention for talking back to his teacher!” And even though rationally you know that social media is a carefully-curated highlight reel — and that behind the scenes it’s often a very different picture — it’s hard not to feel like somehow every other parent of teens has it easier than you do. So you stumble through these difficult years, lonely and questioning, just hoping and praying you’ll both make it to the other side without anything catastrophic happening.
The stakes feel so high, and the pressure of steering them down the right path can sometimes feel relentless. But if your teenager is testing your limits, here’s a buoy of hope to cling onto when life gets frustrating: it’s normal, and yes, every other parent of teens is going through it too. Even the experts!
Here’s Why It’s Normal
“I recall the stress my wife and I experienced when our youngest child decided to smoke marijuana as a teen,” Dr. Adolph “Doc” Brown, clinical psychologist and parenting expert on ABC’s The Parent Test, tells SheKnows. He humorously adds that they stressed so much about it that “we almost stole his stash to smoke it ourselves.”
“Teenagers will engage in many behaviors that will make their parents’ heads spin,” Dr. Brown reassures. “It’s important to acknowledge that in between the space of stimulus and response, there is a choice. Our teens make choices, both good and bad. As parents, our duty is to guard and guide them in the best way we can; we can’t make the choices for them. However, it’s also important to realize that as parents we should not tether ourselves to the choices our children make — good or bad. They must own and be accountable for those choices.”
Dan Ulin, Founder & CEO of Elite Student Coach in Los Angeles, California, tells SheKnows that teens are “professional boundary testers” — and that it’s all just a part of finding their way and contextualizing their place in the world. “Managing this process in real-time can frustrate their parents, who, when they think back, often realize they behaved — albeit with less access to technology and far fewer screens — in pretty much the same way,” he says. “The yank-your-hair-out moments all moms and dads feel around their kids’ behaviors aren’t (with certain glaring exceptions) the result of poor parenting, but rather the byproduct of their children finding their way into life. And with the idea that parents may not necessarily like what they find, it’s better to have open discussions about unacceptable behaviors than to draw line-in-the-sand boundaries their kids can’t understand or pretend these behaviors don’t exist and will magically disappear.”
Here’s What to Blame (Hint: It’s Not Yourself)
Shelly Qualtieri, RSW, MA tells SheKnows that this is a scenario she’s seen all too often in her 30+ years of being a registered social worker. “I often hear from parents who are struggling in silence, wondering if they’re the only ones dealing with hidden vapes, school suspensions, or emotional outbursts at the dinner table,” she says. “Based on my experience, I can say that to make these years more manageable, an essential step is to distinguish between typical developmental behavior and genuine red flags.” (More on that below!) “But most of what parents stress over falls in the ‘normal but messy’ category.”
Qualtieri points out that many of these behaviors can be attributed to the fact that our teens’ brains are literally in the process of being rewired. “A great book I usually recommend to parents of adolescents is Dr. Daniel Siegel’s Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain,” she says. “Through its pages, he does a great job explaining that the adolescent brain is in a ‘remodeling phase.’ Their prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation) is under construction, which often makes teens act impulsively, challenge authority, and have big emotional reactions. It’s not that they’re being difficult on purpose, it’s just how their brains are wired at this stage.”
As if that weren’t enough, there are several other factors that can (and do!) contribute to the tumultuous teenage years. Clinical Psychologist Amber Thornton, author of A Parent’s Guide to Self-Regulation, tells SheKnows that there are four other things that impact teen behavior.
First, there are the inevitable hormonal shifts. “The hormonal changes of puberty contribute to mood swings, increased emotional sensitivity, and a greater propensity for risk-taking behaviors,” Dr. Thornton says. “These hormonal fluctuations can make it more difficult for teens to regulate their emotions, leading to what might be perceived as a ‘bad attitude.’”
Secondly, the teen years are a crucial period for developing a sense of self, and Dr. Thornton reminds us that teenagers are trying to figure out who they are separate from their parents. “This often involves challenging parental values and expectations as they figure out their own identity,” she says. “Rebellion can be a teen’s attempt to assert their independence.”
Of course, we can’t count out the influence of their friendships, which they’re leaning into more than ever. “Teens are increasingly influenced by their peers. They may engage in behaviors they wouldn’t otherwise consider to fit in or gain acceptance,” observes Dr. Thornton. “This can include experimenting with substances, breaking rules, or adopting attitudes that differ from their family’s values.”
And finally, she says, we can blame their increasing need for freedom: “Teenagers crave autonomy and control. Pushing boundaries can be a way of testing the limits of their independence and asserting their growing need for self-determination. It’s a natural part of their journey toward adulthood.”
Here’s When to Worry
While the vast majority of teens put their parents through some degree of stress, it’s important to differentiate between normal teenage behavior and things you should be concerned about. “Normal behavior might include mood swings, occasional defiance, experimenting with identity (like clothing or hobbies), or testing rules,” Tim Kleinknecht, LCSW and founder of Alpine Mind Therapy, tells SheKnows. “Red flags, on the other hand, might include persistent aggression, self-harm, substance abuse, or withdrawal from all social interactions. If you’re seeing these kinds of behaviors, it’s important to seek professional support. But for the most part, the challenges you’re facing are part of the messy, imperfect process of adolescence.”
Here’s What to Do
Though nothing is going to make the teen years completely smooth sailing (we wish!), Ulin suggests finding healthy channels to explore and express their big emotions, and ways to vent the underlying energy. “What gets suppressed gets expressed. The feelings driving their behaviors (which adolescents and teens can’t often identify) are coming out one way or the other — full stop,” he says. He suggests getting them engaged on a deeper level in an activity they already love, targeting something they’ve never tried but have considered trying, or both.
Dr. Thornton tells us that while it’s essential to set clear boundaries and expectations, it’s equally important to offer support, understanding, and open communication. “A teen who feels heard and understood is more likely to navigate these challenging years successfully,” she advises. Qualtieri echoes the importance of communication, even if your teen seems distant: “You’re still their safe place, even if they don’t always show it,” she points out.
Additionally, Qualtieri advises that parents pick their battles — not every bad attitude or messy room is worth a power struggle. “Save your energy for the bigger conversations,” she says. It’s OK to let some things slide!
And don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. “It feels more socially appropriate to openly seek advice and guidance for parenting younger children online, but it feels harder to do with teenagers, who are also savvy and able to navigate the online space. This means that our in-person connections, close ties, friendships, and community become key during this very important time,” says Dr. Thornton.
“If you’re struggling, reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist,” adds Kleinknecht. “You don’t have to share every detail to get the support you need. Sometimes just hearing, ‘I’ve been there too,’ can make all the difference. And if you’re not ready to talk to someone you know, consider joining a parenting group or forum where you can connect with others who are going through similar experiences.”
Here’s What You Should Remember
First and foremost, you’re not alone. And your teenager’s poor decisions do not reflect poor parenting, nor are they indicative of what kind of adult they’ll become; they’re just a byproduct of all this emotional and physiological upheaval they’re going through. In fact, just by worrying about what to do — by reading this very article in search of answers — you’re showing how good a parent you are, so give yourself some grace. And if that isn’t enough to make you feel better, here’s a little reassurance from the experts we spoke to.
“Remember the long game: Adolescence is about experimenting and learning,” says Qualtieri. “They’re practicing how to be adults, and that includes making mistakes.” And according to Ulin, we should reframe our perceived “failures” as chances to learn and grow.
“We’re often taught to avoid or minimize mistakes, but the truth is that ‘mistakes’ in parenting, like any other uh-ohs, are learning opportunities in disguise,” he says. “Leaning into what terrifies us the most when trying to understand our kids and, in the process, establishing boundaries can be a fantastic bonding experience.”
“The challenges you’re facing now are part of the process of helping your child grow into a capable, independent adult,” Kleinknecht reminds us. “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or unsure. It’s okay to make mistakes. And it’s okay to admit that this stage of parenting is really, really hard.”
Remember when your teenager was small, and how difficult it sometimes was — the constant neediness, the tantrums, the potty training, and the relentless nature of it all. When you were in the thick of it, the days seemed to creep by at a snail’s pace. But now, from the other side, you realize just how quickly it actually went … and just like those days, these will also seem short in hindsight, and you’ll marvel that you made it through. Your toddler’s frustrating antics were normal, and your teenager’s are too.
“As parents, we must remember that all of their behavior is a part of growing up and finding their way,” Dr. Brown concludes. “And the good news is, ‘this too shall pass.’”
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