SEASON three of HBO’s White Lotus sees friends Jaclyn, Kate, and Laurie go on a girls’ trip.
Having known each other since they were nine, Jaclyn has become a famous Hollywood actress with a hot toyboy husband, Laurie’s a New York City lawyer, divorced and a single mother, whereas Kate, who lives in Austin, is stuck in the middle with a Trump-supporting husband.
These ladies are a dab hand at gossiping, showering each other with fake ‘I love yous’ before serving up plenty of backhanded compliments. They are also in constant competition with one another.
Their toxic dynamic is so chillingly familiar to many women. But how do you know when your friendship shifts and you’re left wondering if they like you anymore?
Competitiveness
When we live in a world full of comparison, it is hard not to become competitive.
It’s worth noting that you can have entire friendships based on competition – sporting activities, quiz nights, and gaming, for example – and there is nothing wrong with that.
The problem comes when competition bleeds into areas of life you didn’t agree to compete in: relationships, jobs, physical appearance, fitness, and even parenthood or children.
Competitiveness is also greater if you are in the same field, class, or position in life.
Ryan Bennett-Clarke, a psychotherapist at the UK Council for Psychotherapy, said it may be “more noticeable in so-called middle-class relationships because of the greater means to acquire what can appear enviable, for example – status, wealth, fitness, beauty, power, confidence, happiness”.
But does competitiveness decline as we get older?
A study in the Journal of Psychology and Aging found that it gets worse as you age, reaching a peak at 50. This rise is partly attributed to increased confidence and motivation.
It steadily drops when testosterone levels diminish in both men and women as they enter old age.
Competitiveness vs jealousy
Don’t confuse competitiveness with jealousy – it is normal to feel envious from time to time.
But if you feel like you’re in “a constant fight that you want to win over and over again,” then you may not be in the healthiest friendship, clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior comments.
Gossiping
Competitiveness may not always be obvious; it can be masked as worry or manifest as low-level gossip, all of which can have a huge impact on your self-esteem.
Tania Reynolds, a doctoral student in FSU’s Department of Psychology, found that adult women often use gossiping techniques to tarnish another woman’s reputation and try to gain an advantage in relationships.
She explained: “People tend to give more weight to negative personal information because they consider it a truer indication of a person’s character than positive details.”
The 2018 study found a pattern that “suggests competitive females may be the primary perpetrators of bullying and harmful rumours”.
‘Tall poppy syndrome’
Esther Cole, a consultant clinical psychologist at Lifespan Psychology spoke about ‘Tall poppy syndrome’ – a phenomenon where people are criticised, resented, or attacked for their success. It can occur in workplaces and other social settings.
In terms of friendships, ‘tall poppy syndrome’ can happen when people around you “don’t want you to be more successful than them, and this can result in social rejection and isolation from groups”.
Competitive people can also avoid having vulnerable conversations, making a relationship feel one-sided.
Esther warned that these types of friends can collect information to stay ahead in the pecking order, or even sabotage your efforts to be successful or happy.
Spot the ‘smiling assassin’
To know if you are in a competitive friendship dynamic, Ryan suggested asking yourself if you “come away from the group feeling diminished, inadequate, and un-celebrated”.
If you answer yes, then “you may be in the presence of the ‘smiling assassin’”.
A ‘smiling assassin’ is someone who “masks their hatred behind excessive praise and superficial adoration”, and it is arguable the most toxic friendship of all.
It is a person who smiles and says things with words that sound fine but they mask an underlying agenda.
They’re the master of the phrase “just kidding” that gets tacked onto a snarky and slighting insulting statement which they excuse as being “fun”.
The Promiser
You’ll be familiar with “we must catch up soon”, “it must be my turn to…”, “I promise to text you back…”
The list is endless, but the tune is always the same; they promise then “forget”.
For the benefit of doubt, they could be really scatty, or super busy and you’re a low priority, but the end result is always the same; they promise but never deliver.
These friendships always end up one-sided where you’re doing all the work to keep the relationship flowing.
Sometimes they’ll step up and surprise you with an invitation or by remembering your birthday, or some other little gesture, but before long you’re back to being the one who’s doing all the work.
If you’re happy being the organiser and one to always make contact, that’s fine.
But if you’re looking for a reciprocated friendship then you’re with the wrong person.
