I feel guilty for fantasising about having sex with my wife’s hot younger cousin

DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY night, when I’m in bed with my wife, I fantasise about having sex with her younger cousin.

She’s been in my head constantly since a family get- together last Christmas.

I believe she might have feelings for me, too, but I don’t want to risk my marriage. What should I do?

My wife and I are both in our mid-30s and tied the knot five years ago.

Lately, our sex life has gone off the boil. She wants to try for a baby and I’m not ready.

So now, every time we have sex, she makes me feel guilty about using a condom. It’s not fun or exciting any more.

Sometimes, the only way I can climax is if I fantasise about other women. In December, my wife and I went to a big family Christmas at her parents’ house in the countryside.

The whole family was there — her grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.

They’d all come to our wedding, apart from one cousin, who was away travelling on her gap year at the time.

She’s now 23 and gorgeous. When she walked into the room, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

Over the few days we were there, I spent a lot of time chatting to her.

She and I stayed up later than everyone else, drinking and having a laugh.

And, unless I’m imagining it, she was quite flirty.

Afterwards, I’d climb into bed with my wife, we’d have sex and I’d imagine I was with her cousin instead.

If anything, my fantasies have been getting stronger since we came home. She even features in my dreams.

It makes me feel guilty, like I’ve been cheating — even though I haven’t.

Does this mean anything? What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Fantasies and sexy dreams are common and harmless – so long as you don’t act on them.

You know rationally that you can’t have a relationship with your wife’s cousin, even if she were interested in you.

It’s not just because you’re married. It’s also the fact she’s so much younger and she’s a relative.

Getting involved with her would tear your wife’s family apart.

But it sounds like you love your wife and have no desire to cheat with her cousin, or anyone else.

The issue is that her desire for a baby, when you’re not ready, has adversely affected your sex life and created a gulf between you, which your fantasies have rushed in to fill.

You need to talk to her about this and try to get things back on track.

My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.

The fantasies will probably fade away on their own over time.

THANK YOU FOR… THE STRENGTH TO FIX MY MARRIAGE

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my husband and I updated our wills, it caused a huge rift between us.

I said I wanted my half of our house to go to my biological children, but he said it should be split between all our kids equally. We argued and he became nasty and insulting.

I felt it had damaged our relationship and I wasn’t sure we could repair it.

We’ve been married for 20 years and have three children together. He also has a son from his first marriage.

I wrote to you asking if I was in the wrong and if we could fix things.

You said it would be a good idea if we had counselling, so we could discuss our issues in a safe environment with the help of someone impartial.

You were also concerned about my husband being nasty and sent me your Abusive Partner support pack, plus a Women’s Aid questionnaire, to see if I might be in an abusive relationship.

Your response gave me the push I needed to confront lots of things I was unhappy with. We cleared the air and my husband admitted that he was being unreasonable.

It was really cathartic and I feel much more positive. Thank you.

DEIDRE SAYS: Communication is so important at every stage in a marriage. I’m so glad you were able to talk this through productively.

BROTHER’S CRUDE KIDS NEED TO LEARN MANNERS

DEAR DEIDRE: MY brother’s kids swear like troopers and have no boundaries.

They’re turning into little brats and I feel like I should say something, but I don’t want to create a family fallout.

My brother and his wife have three children, all between the ages of six and ten. I’m his big sister, aged 45.

They’re loving, caring parents in many ways, but they don’t moderate their language. Of course, children repeat what they hear. They also talk about genitalia and say things I find blasphemous.

I know young kids find toilet humour amusing, but they discuss these things far more than most. It’s so inappropriate.

Their table manners are terrible, too. They throw food, don’t seem to know how to use a knife and fork properly and use their tablets at meal times.

I worry how they’ll cope in the world when they’re older if they don’t know how to behave. I love my nephews and niece, and get on well with my brother, but I’m feeling increasingly uncomfortable about the way he’s bringing up his kids.

I’m not sure if it’s my place to say anything. My brother probably won’t take it well. Should I just grin and bear it?

DEIDRE SAYS: This is a delicate situation. You’re an auntie, not a teacher. If you say anything, your brother and his wife could take it as an uninvited criticism of their parenting.

They could respond by shooting the messenger – you – rather than changing their approach or disciplining their children.

Bear in mind kids will also pick up bad language outside the home, from the playground, TV and the media.

Perhaps it’s best to try a gentle approach. If, for instance, they’re at your house, you could say, “We don’t say words like that here”.

For help with parenting issues, contact familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222).

UNRELIABLE FRIEND GHOSTS ME

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M wondering whether I should drop a fairweather friend who has let me down many times.

He’s very unreliable and tends to ghost me when I need him.

I’m 35 and he’s 36. We’ve been mates since college.

He’s great company and a lot of fun – the type of pal it’s great to go out drinking or on holiday with.

But when I’m down or upset about something, he is never there for me.

He doesn’t want to talk about my feelings or comfort me – even though I was there for him when he split up with his long-term girlfriend.

I don’t expect him to have any solutions, I just want to feel he cares.

Sometimes, I won’t hear from him for months and he’ll ignore my messages. Then he’ll pop back up again wanting to go for a pint.

I’m loath to end our friendship because I’ve known him for almost 20 years – and he isn’t a bad person. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: He may not be a bad person, but he’s not being a good friend.

Perhaps it’s not because he doesn’t care or is superficial, but because he finds it hard to talk about feelings, or worries he can’t help.

The fact you’re writing suggests you don’t want to end the friendship.

So you need to sit down over a drink and be honest about how you feel.

My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation.