WATCHING TV late one night, Lauren Spencer’s husband Charlie hears a strange noise outside their pretty four-bed home in Devon and goes to investigate.
Alarmed by the sight that greets him from the window, Charlie goes into autopilot, knowing exactly what he needs to do next.
Lauren, a garden-loving housewife by day, turns into a completely different person at night – and has no recollection the next day[/caption]
His demure 51-year-old keen gardener wife Lauren is in the front garden, roaming past the rhododendrons completely naked, “hunting for young meat”.
Rushing to bring her quickly back inside before the neighbours witness the scene – and worse still call the police – Charlie, 54, grabs his coat and wraps it around Lauren’s shoulders – she doesn’t resist.
Her eyes are wide open yet she’s actually still asleep, in some sort of hypnotised sleepwalking state.
For a decade, Lauren, who by day enjoys lunches with friends and taking her three rescue dogs for long walks, has suffered with an alarming condition called sexsomnia; a serious sleep disorder which means sex is always on her mind when she’s sleeping.
But over the past three years, her condition has progressed to what Charlie describes as his wife becoming “possessed” at night – turning her into a “cougar on the hunt”.
They even have a bike lock attached to handles on the french doors at the back of the house so Lauren can’t get outside that way, but she still manages to escape from the front.
‘Cougar on the hunt’
The mum of two grown up daughters says: “I try getting out of the house while sleepwalking and calling for ‘young meat’ in a demonic fashion. It’s worrying.
“My husband tells me that once I fall into a deep sleep, I seem to become ‘possessed,’ and the term ‘gombie,’ a blend between a ‘GILF’ and a ‘zombie,’ best describes my altered state of mind at those times.
“I normally enjoy sex with my husband most in the morning, but when I have a sexsomnia episode, it’s like I’m possessed. Charlie says I turn into the Duracell bunny and make wild growling type noises.
“We have the bike lock on the French doors at the back of the house to stop me getting out that way and Charlie hides the key.
“But I have escaped through the front door and into the street if Charlie is still awake after I’ve gone to bed and hasn’t yet put the bolt on.”
Independent sleep expert Dr Neil Stanley, who has been involved in sleep research and sleep medicine for over 43 years, has written about the condition previously.
He says sexsomnia, also referred to as ‘sleep sex’, occurs during non-REM sleep, the stage before dreams begin.
“It is not related to dreaming,” he explains. “It is in the same class of behaviours as sleepwalking and sleep talking. Essentially parts of the brain can wake up while the conscious part of the brain can be asleep.
“It can co-occur alongside other sleep disorders such as sleepwalking, sleep apnoea, night terrors and bedwetting.”
He also explains how the behaviour was first noted back in the 1980s.
“Although abnormal sexual behaviour during sleep was first described in 1989, the term ‘sexsomnia’ was not coined until 2003 when 11 patients exhibiting sexual behaviours during sleep were described,” he adds.
“It may be hard for a bed partner to understand that the behaviour isn’t deliberate.”
‘I thought he was winding me up’
Lauren has always been a light sleeper and recalls episodes of sleepwalking as a child, a trait she inherited from her dad who was known to do “strange things” in his sleep, like boxing.
As an adult, Lauren started propositioning her partners during the night – they thought it was fun, even though Lauren had no recollection.
What is sexsomnia?
- According to The Sleep Foundation, sexsomnia is a sleep disorder characterised by engaging in sexual activities during sleep.
- Symptoms can include sexual noises and masturbation, and sufferers usually have no memory of their sexual behaviours once awake.
- Sexsomnia can also occur alongside other sleep conditions, such as sleepwalking and sleep talking.
- Not all sexsomnia can be linked to an underlying medical cause. Some cases appear to be brought on by environmental or lifestyle triggers, which vary from person to person.
- These can include stress, anxiety, depression, alcohol and substance use, and sleep deprivation.
- Treatment depends on the underlying cause and can include medication or reducing stress or specific triggers – always seek advice from your GP if worried or you need advice.
A few months after she met her now-husband Charlie through a dating website in 2010, she initiated sex with him in the middle of the night, fast asleep.
Again, he thought it wasn’t anything to be too concerned about until a few months ago when Lauren first started going downstairs regularly – usually around midnight after falling into a deep sleep.
But when Charlie explained what he’d witnessed, she didn’t believe him.
“I thought he was winding me up,” she admits. “So we set up a camera at the bottom of the bed to try and catch what was happening.
“After seeing the footage, I realised he was telling the truth. It’s horrifying to watch myself like that.”
She adds “One evening, he was in the living room, and he heard the front door. He looked out of the window and saw that I was in the street naked.
“He obviously panicked and bolted out of the house. I have no recollection of it happening.
“Three or four times a year I try to escape and if we go away, we use cable ties or a cable lock to stop me leaving the bedroom.
“If we’re staying at a friend’s house, I can’t risk going into my friend’s bed with her and her husband.”
‘I was in the street naked’
Concerned, Lauren sought medical advice in 2021, fearing she had an underlying neurological issue – her dad had been diagnosed with dementia.
However, her GP diagnosed her with sexsomnia, a rare form of parasomnia – a disorder that causes people to engage in unusual behaviours while asleep.
According to research, sexsomnia is more common in men, with prevalence rates estimated between 1 and 8 per cent in the general population.
Triggers can include stress, sleep deprivation, alcohol consumption, and other underlying sleep disorders.
Lauren has also been known to wake up and start cleaning the bathroom, send random text messages, or have full conversations while still in a deep sleep.
The couple have implemented a range of precautions to stop Lauren from getting outside.
She says: “In hotels, we have to put a chair against the door, and if it’s just a one-handled door, we’ll put a chair in front of it and use a cable tie around the handle of the door and chain it to the chair.
“Then if I try to get out, my husband will wake up.”
‘I’ve got to sleep with one eye open’
Charlie, who works alongside Lauren in her content creation business, says: “Lauren says things in her sleep, and I can usually make out bits of what she’s saying, but it’s a bit mumbly.
“It’s almost a dream-like state, and if she’s downstairs trying a door handle, I have heard her mumble the words, ‘young meat.’
“I generally just guide her back to the bedroom and cuddle her in until she’s settled down.
“It doesn’t happen very often, and it passes quite quickly. I’ve almost got to sleep with one eye open, but thankfully, it doesn’t affect us on a nightly basis.”
Don’t sleep on it… ask for help
According to Dr Philippa Kaye, a GP and author, it’s important to seek help for sexsomnia than suffer alone.
She says: “People suffering may not always present to the doctor, often due to shame and stigma, but your doctor may be able to refer you to a sleep clinic for further investigations and advice and to exclude other conditions such as seizures.
“If a cause is found then treating the cause may be helpful, for example using a CPAP machine, a device that uses air pressure to keep airways open while you sleep, for sleep apnoea.
“Good sleep hygiene is important such as switching off devices a couple of hours before bed as well as going to bed and waking up at around the same time each day.
“I wouldn’t recommend the use of over the counter sleep aids without consulting your GP first.
“Avoiding known triggers is important – stress included – as is implementing basic safety precautions, for example not sleeping in the same room as minors, locking doors or considering a movement based alarm to wake you up if you get out of bed.”
While Charlie takes her sexsomnia in his stride, Lauren is still learning to live with the disorder.
“I generally have a high sex drive, and like intimacy most days. I’m sexually very adventurous, and my motto is ‘try everything once, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again!’” she says.
“The more it’s happened, the more accustomed to it I’ve become, and the more accepting I am.
“But I must admit, no matter how many times it happens, the lack of control can be upsetting. I’ve noticed that it happens more regularly in stressful times, like when my father died.”
While understandably concerned about her behaviour, Lauren can also see the lighter side, and knows it’s not her fault[/caption]
‘I’m the most loyal woman’
Whilst most people with Lauren’s condition would feel embarrassed or anxious if they were to end up outside without clothes, she tries to see the lighter side of things.
“I get a lot of compliments from younger guys, so while I’m not consciously thinking that I must go and find loads of young men, I suppose if I see an attractive young lad on the streets, perhaps I notice it subconsciously,” she explains.
“But I’m the most loyal woman. I would never dream of going behind my husband’s back.
“I would split up with somebody rather than cheat.
“I really value loyalty and self-respect for myself. I would never cheat and have never done that, but I guess it’s just your subconscious.”
Lauren says she feels lucky to be with a man like Charlie as others may not be as understanding.
She says: “I’m just glad my husband is accepting of my sexsomnia.
“Some men might get annoyed, but we have a good sense of humour, and we’re of an age where you don’t get upset by things like that.
“We’ve discussed my condition at length and I’ve decided that I’m happy to have sex when this happens – it’s completely consensual.”
Charlie, for his part, doesn’t seem to mind the middle-of-the-night seductions.
“We’ve been married for 13 years, so we’re at that stage where you have to take every opportunity.
“It’s not like back in the day when I was a young man – these opportunities are few and far between!” he adds.
